Hocus Pocus Schmocus
by HouseNorthman
Summary: Eric and Pam are looking for some fun on Halloween night after their plans were crashed. Ridiculousness and smut ensue in this twisted take on Hocus Pocus! One-shot for some laughs!


A/N: Halloween is just around the corner, so I thought it was time for some spooky ESN. Be warned that smut and ridiculousness will occur. Inspired by my twisted brain while my kids were watching Hocus Pocus. Enjoy. (House Northman cackles, muah ha ha ha ha while flying off on her broom stick)

*Update 09/26/17—Well after a two year break I've finally returned to the writing world! I've lost all my documents and stories off my old computer so I'm in the process of getting them off fanfiction so I can continue them finally. Just to get my name back out there I thought I'd republish this smutty hilarious one shot I wrote a few years ago since Halloween is again around the corner… hope y'all get a good laugh out of it and keep a lookout for my stories to be updated!

 **EPOV**

"Pam what the hell are we doing in the poor part of town?" I asked looking at my child with contempt.

"Don't be such a sour puss Eric. Sometimes it's fun to go slum it with the locals. You can always find a variety of tastes in the less glamorous areas."

"Well I don't know about you but the tastes of ass and cat food aren't exactly my favorite flavors in blood."

"Oh come on, it's not so bad. We could find a couple hot college girls and play 'guess how long it takes to drain you' for old times' sake."

"I tire of that game. The girls never know they've won because they're dead."

"Details." She sneered.

"I thought you said you were going to cheer me up? You know it's not a coincidence that the Queen just happened to call and invite me to her Halloween party yesterday after the fire Marshall just happened to come in for a random inspection and shut down Fangtasia for tonight. I know that old cum bucket put him up to it because she's jealous of my awesome Halloween party. I'm going to find a way to repay her for this. No one fucks with the Viking and his Halloween bash."

"Oh calm down! You sound like a big crybaby." I raised my eyebrows at her in warning that she was about to get muff punched if she called me a crybaby again. Not one to be deterred, she smiled devilishly and clapped her hands together like some special child. "I've got it! I know where we can go, come on!"

I followed my petulant spawn deeper into the seedy outskirts of New Orleans as we passed hundreds of tiny humans dressed in strange costumes. There were a few mommies dressed up as slutty nurses, slutty referees, and all kinds of slutty something or other; I decided I'd track a few of them down later so my night wasn't a complete loss. Pam stopped when we had walked for miles and pulled out her phone.

"Where are we going Pam? Hurry it up or I'm flying back home; I don't have time for you to text your stylist or check Dear Abby's blog right now."

"For your information, I'm checking Google maps. I know it's around here somewhere, I'm just not quite sure." She walked in circles, holding her phone in different directions trying to get better GPS location. I was ready to eat silver coated candy corn out of boredom when a scrumptious little faery walked past me.

I stepped out of the shadows and appeared in front of her eliciting a little shriek. Damn, she wasn't a real faery just a pretty brunette with a very sparkly and skimpy costume. Oh well. It didn't take much convincing to get the little seductress to go into a nearby alley with me and I was enjoying the best part of my evening thus far when Pam appeared in front of me tapping her foot in impatience.

"Eric we don't have time for you to get your whistle blown right now, we have important vamp stuff to do." She huffed.

Pushing the girl's mouth back where it belonged, I answered my child calmly. "Seems to me that we have nothing _but_ time Pamela and in case you haven't noticed, I'm attending to my own important vamp stuff right now." Looking down at my temporary companion and petting her head like a good girl. "Use your teeth a little sweetheart." I said to her.

"Fine but hurry up! I know where we're going now and it's going to blow your fucking mind!" She stalked off into the night while Stacy….Tracy….whatever her name was continued her mission. Ten minutes later I landed beside my child who was standing in front of some run down shanty.

"Where are we, Compton's summer home?" I snickered.

"Hmm close, but no. This is the old Broadway house. Amelia Broadway and her sisters Tara and Sookie were burned alive in 1693 when they were accused of witchcraft."

"You know those fucking Puritans killed everyone except the actual witches."

"Yes but this was different; they really were witches."

"How do you know?"

"They cast a spell that made all the women in town grow a mustache and a really big dick. Turns out they wanted the men of the town all to themselves."

"Sounds reasonable." I countered. "That was a lovely story Pam, but why exactly are we here?"

"Don't you want to see inside their house? See what kinds of cool witchy things they left behind?"

"Let me think about that…no. Goodbye Pam." I was about to launch myself into the sky when she threw herself in my arms.

"Eric come on it will be fun! You never do anything I want to do!" She pouted.

"Sure I do; remember when I took you to that cotillion that you just _had_ to go to?"

"That was in the 1800's! And you had a better time than I did! You started a massive orgy and gorged yourself on blood that night. You drained that feisty little socialite I had my eye on too!"

"I still took you."

"Whatever, just please do this for me! Come on, for me; your little Pam –a-lamb? Your Pammy poo?" she poked her bottom lip out and looked at me with those doe eyes and I was putty in her cold, dead hand.

"Fine I'll give you fifteen minutes, and then I'm leaving. All the drunken sorority girls are going to be walking home in a little while and I don't want to miss out."

"Yay! Come on let's see what the old broads did for fun."

She jumped onto my back and I flew us over the tall, wooden fence. Just for shits and giggles I paused right over the spiked wooden panel and dangled Pam over top of it.

"Remember when you called me a crybaby earlier?"

"You know I didn't mean it. That isn't funny Eric!"

"Oh lighten up; it's just a little Halloween fun remember?" I teased her.

We easily broke in to the old shack and started exploring. Much to my surprise, I found a lot of 17th century erotica. It didn't take much to arouse people in those days, so it was quite tame compared to my usual fare. I did stash a picture of a woman suggestively churning butter though for my spank bank.

"Look what I found!" Pam squealed holding up a thick, leather bound book. I was guessing it was a spell book since there was the customary pentagram on the front cover; how original.

"Be careful you don't want to accidentally give yourself a big, juicy cock like those poor townspeople." I laughed.

"Speaking of cocks, check out that candle!" The item she was pointing out was indeed a large, pink, phallus shaped candle. These witches were some freaks; my kind of people. "You know legend has it that on Halloween night if a true master of the art of BDSM lights the pink cock candle, these broads will be resurrected for one night only."

"Pam you read too many fairy tales. That candle is nothing more than a dick-shaped piece of wax; at least it's pretty impressive though. It's almost as big mine." I grinned at her.

"Oh really? Well if you don't believe in any of this hocus pocus, why don't you light that candle stud?" Now she was just mocking me. Eric Sex God Northman was not about to back down from a challenge.

I stepped in front of the candle and suggestively rubbed it while Pam giggled like a fool. Her laughter faded as I pulled out a lighter and struck it beside the candle.

"Um Eric I was just kidding, I don't think you should really do that." She said.

"What's wrong Pammy, you want to light the candle yourself?" I tossed the big pink chunk of wax at her and she grimaced when she caught it.

"Eww no! You know I don't like dicks; real or fake." She tossed it back. "Come on, we can go now I guess."

I set the candle back on the podium and faster than she could stop me, I lit it. Immediately the house started shaking and a red light blared from beneath the floorboards. Marvin Gaye's 'Let's get it on' started playing from…? The candle was now pulsing and some type of white fluid was squirting out where the flame had been.

"What the hell did you do?" Pam yelled over that rich silky sound of Marvin.

"I lit the candle." I answered dumbfounded.

There was a flash of red light and poof! The three witches stood before us.

"Oh shit." Pam said stating the obvious.

"Well good evening fellow nymphos." The pretty brunette witch called.

"Oh my, what a lovely turnout." The busty blonde said. "Tell me, which one of you lit the pink phallus candle?" She asked rubbing her hand across my chest. For an old witch, she was hot as hell. Long, blonde hair like my own, big bountiful breasts, and a small waist cinched in with her tight red corset.

"I did." I grinned at her and bared my fangs.

A collective gasp from all the witches fills the room before their smiles turns predatory.

"Ah, I see the undead still walk the nights. Very nice to meet you vampire; my name is Amelia Broadway. These are my sisters Sookie and Tara. Tell me good sire, what year is it?" She asked me.

"2013" I answered.

The blonde who was still tracing my bicep and eye fucking me paused momentarily.

"Has it really been that long? Time surely flies….when you're dead." She laughed.

"Yep it sure does. So tell me Amelia, are the legends true?" Pam asked her.

"That depends; what do these legends say?"

"They say that although you 'concocted' the spell that sent you all to the grave, that you spared a few of the more attractive women for yourself." I knew that look in Pam's eye; she was about to introduce the little witch to modern day erotica.

Amelia stepped right in front of Pam and brushed a lock of her hair back. "That is very true. Tell me vampire, do you also prefer the fairer sex?" She purred. Pam just looked at her with a smoldering gaze that said it all.

"I have to say I am curious about one thing." I said addressing all of them. "Did you really need to catch the fancy of all the men in town? Surely the three of you could have just spelled a few of them to meet your needs."

"What can we say; we have a voracious appetite." Tara said earning a cackle from all three of them.

"Listen Eric, it's been real but I'm going to head out. I think Amelia here should experience all that the 21st century has to offer." Pam said flashing fang.

"You brought me here and now you're just going to leave me?" I asked her.

"Do not worry fair-haired warrior; I will entertain thee." The blonde who I learned was Sookie, ran her hand down my back and grabbed my ass as she spoke to me.

"Night Pam." I said before grabbing Sookie and flying off into night.

The little vixen was licking my neck and grinding herself against me as I tore through the sky towards my home in Shreveport. It only took me about half an hour to reach my destination and I quickly took her down to my 'play room.' I tossed the curvy enchantress down on the bed and growled menacingly.

"You might have been ahead of your time with your sexual proclivities, but I can assure you that your prowess was tame compared to mine." I said.

"Are you so sure about that Norseman?"

She crawled towards the edge of the bed on all fours, giving me a nice view of her arched back and round breasts spilling out of her corset. _She's only alive for one night_ I thought; could she be any more perfect? I wouldn't have to worry about hurting her because she's got her own bag of tricks so to speak, and even better I wouldn't have to worry about her becoming obsessed with me and following me to the club. Oh I was going to have a happy Halloween after all.

I pushed her back to the head of the bed and went to grab some toys from my closet. I came back and set down each item on the nightstand as meticulous as a surgeon preparing to operate.

"You see my dear; there have been many advances in human sexuality since your time. It is no longer shameful to enjoy sex; in fact you can walk right into a store that sells every type of sexual accessory you could imagine and buy whatever you like."

"Oh my! I cannot imagine such a store, but that is incredible. Tell me, are women allowed in these stores?"

"Oh yes." I chuckled. "Women can not only buy sex toys to use with their partner, but they can also buy devices to enjoy sex on their own; without a man."

"No!" She gasped. "What kind of devices?"

"Well you can buy all sorts of things; lubricants, dildos, dongs, vibrators, stimulators, pornography, the list just goes on and on."

"I would like to see one of these stores if only I had more time. I do not know what most of those items are that you mentioned but they sound….delightful."

The scent of her arousal filled the air causing my fangs to shoot down. She looked at me full of lust and wonder and gently ran her fingers down my fangs. I shivered at the sensation that went all the way from my mouth to my ever growing cock. Quicker than her eyes could follow, I tossed her back on the bed and pulled the straps from the sides and tied her up. Her arms were above her head and her legs were spread wide for me and tied to the footboard.

I crawled up her body and ran my fangs along her neck, resisting the urge to bite. My hands found their way under her long skirt and I pulled off the petticoat that was blocking entrance to the promised land. Her moans were interrupted as a bat flew out from under her knickers and disappeared somewhere in the room.

"What the…."

"I see thou is displeased. I imagine after 320 years, my lady is not as fresh anymore." She said bashfully.

Trying to think of all the filthy things I was going to do to her instead, I shrugged it off like no big deal. I mean if you're going to bring back a nymphomaniac witch from the dead after 300 years, some things are to be expected. I got back to work running my hand up her warm thigh, kneading her soft flesh as I used my other hand to rip open her bodice. Those beautiful, round globes spilled out beckoning me to taste them…tease them.

My tongue circled around her pert, pink nipple and drew it into my mouth. She had the kind of breasts that made men stupid and weak. I couldn't resist touching her any longer so I slid my hand up to find her hot center; instead I found what felt like cobwebs stuck on hedges. I ripped the rest of her clothing away and found pretty much exactly that as I looked down at her sex; well what I could see of it, which wasn't much. I've lived so long I almost forgot that women didn't always shave and wax themselves like a sphynx cat.

"Would you like to freshen up first?" I asked her barely containing my irritation. Not so little Eric was anxious to play and this shit was getting old.

"That would be nice. How doth a woman in this age typically keep her lady?" She asked.

"Well most women shave or wax all or most of it off."

"Really? Okay well here goes." She chanted some latin gibberish and poof! Magically she was fresh and clean shaven; thank fuck because even I have my limits.

"Does this please thee?" She asked.

"Very much." I leaned over and studied the vast assortment of items on the nightstand. I smiled as I saw the purple punisher sitting there, begging to be used.

I placed a blindfold over her eyes and grabbed the lube for the punisher.

"Now this may feel a little odd at first, but I'm sure you'll like it. How about we say the safe word is…banana." I reached down and was about to get to work when she started talking again.

"What is a safe word?"

Ugh! I smacked my forehead with my hand and considered just draining the witch and getting it over with. I let my patience slowly seep back in before answering her.

"The safe word is a word that you only say if you truly want to stop what we're doing. Sometimes when things get intense, people will say they want to stop but it's really just part of the fun. If you say the safe word though, I'll know that you're serious."

"That is brilliant. Carry on."

Finally I was able to begin our little games. As I slid the punisher in a hole that Puritans certainly weren't acquainted with, she yelled out before her yells became intense moans. With a newly clean snatch, I wasted no time in devouring her core. Her first orgasm hit with an intensity that startled even a pro like me.

"Thou has many things to teach I see." She panted breathlessly.

"Oh you have no idea." I untied her and turned her to face me while picking up the ball gag off the table. "I'm going to put this in your mouth and then we'll play another game okay?" She nodded nervously.

After she was gagged, I pulled out my supplies I would need. A whip, anal beads, a clit stimulator, nipple clamps hooked to a homemade battery, a rubber duck, and some miniature Star Wars figurines. We spent hours playing and fucking, spanking and poking, crying and shivering; it was a glorious night. Despite her obvious lack of knowledge compared to mine, she was a real trooper that night. I haven't seen a person handle so much in one night since shortly after I was made vampire, and even then they ended up bat shit crazy afterwards.

She had to wait 300 years to be resurrected by her perfect sexual match and boy was it worth it. I'm sure she would agree. As we lay in my bed in the wee hours of the morning before dawn, she looked at me and smiled.

"If only I could stay with thee forever. I wish there were such a way as to not lose you with the dawn's light."

I shifted in the bed and tried to put on my best sympathetic face. "I'm sorry babe, I wish you could too. If there was anything I could do, I would. You know the spell though, only one night."

"Tell me handsome vampire, what is thy name?"

"Eric. Eric Northman."

"Eric Northman you are a God among men. I hope you will summon me every year on all Hallows eve, so that we may share the pleasures of the flesh."

"Sure I will."

As I felt the pull of the dawn coming, I snuggled under my blanket and prepared for death to take me for the day. In my last moment of consciousness she whispered to me. "Never forget me Eric Northman."

"Never Sara."

"Sookie." She said.

"Right Sookie." Then darkness filled my head.

I woke up right before sunset as I usually do, alone in the bed. Naughty memories of the night before flooded my head giving me an instant erection. I looked to the other side of my bed and found nothing but a pile of dust in the spot where Sara had been. I got out of bed and looked down lovingly at the outline before turning on the shop-vac and cleaning that shit up. I can't be entertaining fangbangers with dusty witch bits in my bed.

Two hours later I was walking into Fangtasia while looking over some mail I had just received. A black cat came sauntering up to me and something about the magic in the air told me not to just kick it away. I bent down to check the cat out more closely when it opened it's mouth and spoke.

"That goddamn witch turned me into a cat!" It hissed.

"Pam?"

"Who else would it be?" She asked mad as hell.

"What in the world happened to you?"

"Apparently there was a breakdown in communication between the witch and me last night; I guess she was confused about my terminology for her sweet vag. Next thing I knew, I was chasing a bell around the room and licking my own ass! You've got to help me Eric; I can't be a cat for fuck's sake! I swear as soon as I get out of this body, I'm going to find a spell to bring that witch back just so I can rip her apart!"

I picked her up, not sure whether to laugh or cry. "Don't worry Pam, we'll go to New Orleans and have the Queen summon her personal witch. She'll have you fixed in no time."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course child; I'll do whatever it takes to return you to normal."

"I knew I could count on you Eric. You want your Pammykins back don't you?" She purred and rubbed her head against my chest.

"Of course I do, who else would take care of my dry cleaning?"

"Fuck you Eric!" She swiped at me with her little paw.

"Now now, be a good little kitty or I'll have to call the pound." I laughed and walked into the club. Happy Halloween!


End file.
